what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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