You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
