I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
