Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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