He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
there's paper in my vomit.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
