My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Randomize
