Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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