Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
