omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
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