just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
