considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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