Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
