I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
