she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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