My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
