I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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