i love accidental penises.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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