Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
