im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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