I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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