I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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