I accidentally had phone sex last night
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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