matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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