I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
