You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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