I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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