I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
