Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
of course. lets lasso hookers.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
