Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
it's like iHOP with fire
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
