I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
