when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Every concussion has its silver lining
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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