Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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