i just wanna soil my oats bro
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
