i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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