Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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