Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
