Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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