I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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