Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
