her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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