I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you will always have a special place in my vag
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Randomize
