my phone cant type all the emotion im having
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
