Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
