You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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