Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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