yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
