I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
