Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
