my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
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