Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Randomize
