we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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