Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just want to make out with him forever
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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