I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I need moral support for this bender
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
