They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Randomize
