I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
