at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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