the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
