god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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