Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
A bitchslap is in order.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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