my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
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