Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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